Dirty Little Secrets

Can I share a secret?

I really don't think I'm a runner.

I don't think I like it.  I'm always wheezing and despite all of my work over the past year, my heart rate is a hot mess.  The Garmin tells me I spend the entire run in zone 4 and 5, I'm surprised my heart hasn't just popped directly out of my chest.

I don't like feeling "on the edge".  Like I could almost be fast, and good, and run, if only I could just breath a little more.  Like there is a switch somewhere that should be flipped and all of a sudden it wouldn't be so damned hard.

Then there's the loneliness of it all.  Doing this in the sticks without any friends or family nearby who go it with you is kind of a pain.  Knowing that the only thing keeping your feet moving is your own stubbornness and that the only reason you are still going is because you are too obstinate to stop before your scheduled time is up.

Other people really are runners.  They run for the joy of it.  Slow or fast, they are out there because they can't think of a better way to spend 30 or 60 or 240 minutes.  I can think of a million things I would rather do.

I'd rather bake a pie and eat half of it.
I'd rather go to the library and check out 2 or 3 books and get lost on the couch.
I'd rather veg out with my kids and play Nintendo games.
I'd rather nap.
I'd rather pet my dogs.
I'd rather get out the hammock and chill in the back yard.
I'd rather bike for 20 miles than run for two.

So why do I keep doing this?

Part of it is because I don't like giving up.  At least not because I can't do something.  I'll give up if I'm tired of an activity, or if something better comes along.  But don't tell me I can't do it.  Try a new cooking style?  Heck yeah.  Thirty mile bike ride?  Easy-peasy!  American Ninja Warrior?  Don't tell me I can't or I'll grind at it until I can tell you how wrong you are.

I have grit and I have tenacity and I have all of the drive and persistence to keep hammering away at something until I shape it and own it and make it mine.

On second thought, maybe I really am a runner after all.